I’ve been online dating for a while
now, and I’ve started to notice a trend with a lot of the men who have
contacted me. By way of background, I just ended a three month relationship
with a man whom I met online because he did not want to be exclusive. He
claimed that he didn’t want to date other people but he was hurt several times
in the past by cheating girlfriends and didn’t want me to go thru the hurt
again. For my part, I realize I’m at fault for waiting three months before
asking for some type of commitment.
Hindsight has pointed out that on his
profile he listed he wanted a “casual relationship” as opposite to my listing
of wanting a “serious relationship”. So now I’m back on the online dating scene
and I’m paying better attention to what guys are saying they are looking for in
their profile. Several guys put in their profile that they are looking for
“friends” only, one guy even put that he’s too busy for a relationship right
now.
Is this a case of semantics? Are these
guys really just wanting to take it slow and be friends first? If they are
really just looking for friends, why don’t they go on a free site like MySpace,
Facebook, or Friendster? If it’s just a clever way to find booty calls, why
don’t they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide
relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me? Has looking
for a relationship on a dating website become taboo?
Thanks for your insight,
Laura
Brace yourself for a shocking
revelation!
Men very often don’t know what they
want.
Just because he has fun with you
doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to
you. You could probably tell from our actions. But it’s true. Most men can tell
a story about how they weren’t looking for anything serious and then fell in
love. And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but
discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say
the same.)
Therefore, you have to take any
information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt. It’s not that he
DOESN’T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT. This is
in accordance with the way we act on a date as well.
Just because we think
you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually
INTERESTED.
It just means we’re being “in the moment”. Unfortunately, most
women aren’t familiar with this concept until it’s much too late. That’s why
half of my questions are versions of: “He sleeps with me, but-“, “He says he
loves me, but-“, “We had an amazing date, but-“. One of the most important –
and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things
have NO meaning, beyond what’s being conveyed in the moment. Just because he
wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean he wants one with YOU. Just because
he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend. Just because
he thinks you’re sexy doesn’t mean he wants to commit to only you. Each time
you think this is the case, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.
And so we go back to Laura’s insightful
question – what does it all MEAN?
Well, I can only speak for myself here
by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it’s a reach. Bear with me).
So let’s say I’m serious about falling
in love. I go onto a dating site and list that I’m looking for marriage or a
relationship. So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of
whom feel like they will be my future wife. Which leaves me a number of
questions that I’d like you to consider:
- 1)
Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex
with anyone that I don’t think I want to marry? Do you think the standard
should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at
all?
-
- 2)
If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual
woman, does that make me a bad guy?
-
- 3)
How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we
start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or
perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will
gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue
other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?
-
- 4)
Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that,
in any way, mean that I’m NOT looking for a serious relationship?
These are real considerations that go
through the heads of real guys who want real relationships. But just because a
man aspires to love doesn’t mean he’s above the lust and passion that comes
from short-term flings.
So how are men supposed to navigate
this space with any integrity?
Men look for sex and find love. Women
look for love and find sex.
That’s right. We can’t. We’re damned if
we do and damned if we don’t.
You may feel that: “I just want a guy
to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just
want to know where I stand. I don’t want to get hurt. He should be man enough
to tell me the truth.”
Sorry.
We’ve got a different truth.
The truth is that we’re attracted to
you in this moment.
The truth is that we’re not sure if we
want a relationship with you.
The truth is that if we tell you that
we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.
So we say nothing. And hope that you
don’t get too attached.
There ARE
good men out there. There are relationship-oriented men out there. And often
the difference between the players and the committers is YOU. The right woman
at the right time can make a man want to stop playing. I know. It happens
So if you’re done spinning your wheels
on the wrong men and want to get an edge with the right men,
